You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
