I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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