shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
