She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
