Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
