If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
did you just send me my own nude
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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