I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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