He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
