I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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