The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
