but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
