____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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