I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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