she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
