accomplished twins. life is a go
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
