You smell like a Billy Joel song
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
