11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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