Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
