the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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