Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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