Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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