There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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