All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
