I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
