she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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