Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
