She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How many fucks given?
0.12846
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
