new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This baby is an asshole
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
