I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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