I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
