Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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