Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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