So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
