Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
