she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
