He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
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Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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