Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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