oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
