I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
