Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
