Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
