my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
