Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
