I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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