Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need moral support for this bender
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
