I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
