I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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