my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
