Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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