I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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