my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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