fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
