I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
