Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
