remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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